Attachment Styles
Attachment security is not about the lack of relational rupture but the quality of repair.
Humans are intrinsically relational. As infants, we depend on having someone to feed, change, and put us to sleep. We have a biological drive rooted inside of us that longs for and needs connection with others. This is even reflected in the way we "image" the triune, relational nature of God.
Attachment is a way to describe the quality of connection, or emotional bond between two or more people. We learn how to attach through our first, primary relationships with our parents or care givers. Their interactions with us as infants and children teach us about who we are and what we can expect from relationships. They help us learn about emotions and how to regulate them, our sense of person-hood and worth, our own role in relationship and our ability to respond to adversity.
Secure Attachment:
Secure attachments grow when a parent or caregiver is able to balance, attune, connect, and respond to a child's need for both dependence and independence. It's about providing a "secure base" for children to jump off from and explore while also being a "safe-haven" for children to return to when they are in need of protection and comfort. This supports children in building confidence and resilience while also teaching them that they can rely on others and be safe in relationships. (I'd recommend Raising a Secure Child by Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell for more on secure attachment parenting).
Avoidant Attachment:
Avoidant attachments are built when a parent is uncomfortable with the child's need for closeness or comfort. Often being "independent" or "tough" is over-emphasized and children are left to learn how to regulate their fears alone. For a child this is incredibly fear-inducing and so they often learn to suppress their emotions in order to remain in relationship with their parent or caregiver. Children with avoidant attachment patterns learn that relational closeness cannot be counted on, and they have to be self-reliant. They tend to avoid relational closeness by remaining distant and avoid emotional connection by remaining cognitive.
Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment:
Ambivalent attachments are formed when a parent inconsistently meets the child's needs for connection and independence. Often these parents are preoccupied by their own internal state and unable to attune to the child or fear allowing the child to experience independence and exploration apart from the parent. In order to remain in relationship with their parent or caregiver, children often respond to this unpredictability by becoming highly attuned to the parents' needs. The only way to get their caregiver's attention is by exaggerating their own emotions and struggle to regulate their internal state. They tend to fear rejection and so cling tightly to relationships or take on the role of pursuer.
Disorganized Attachment:
When parents are not present and are the source of pain or abuse, children often develop disorganized attachment. Children with these parents still depend on the parent or caregiver for survival and so cannot afford to lose this attachment. They often come to believe that they are bad or deserve the abuse. These children learn that in order to remain in relationship, they must not disrupt or disturb the parent and so seek to make themselves invisible to avoid or limit pain. As a result they often struggle with distrust and low self-esteem and have a higher risk of turning to substances in order to help support their internal anxiety.